Divorce. I’m divorcing you. You’re divorcing me. The words can sting. Bite. They can leave you paralyzed or relieved or with about a million other feelings. Denial. Shock. Anger. Sadness. Even Relief. How can this be happening to me? This state of shock can last from day and weeks to months and years. This also is a time when you will need to make lots of decisions. Yet, for most of us it’s a time when our brains just don’t want to function.
First I suggest making sure your marriage really is over – can you both agree to work on your marriage. Would it be valuable for you each to work on yourselves? Often we blame our marriage when it is actually ourselves we are not happy with. Are you both willing to take a specific amount of time for marriage counseling and to work on your marriage; for example three or six months with both of you giving 100% to the marriage, before calling it quits for good. Then neither of you will have regrets and if doesn’t work you will both know you tried everything. I highly recommend this since only 20% of people are significantly happier five years after their divorce. Don’t threaten divorce unless you mean it. As a marriage coach I inspire couples to have wonderful marriages but this only works if that is what both people truly want.
My spouse wants the divorce and I don’t. The marriage is over. If one spouse is completely out of the marriage there is nothing you can do to make it work. It’s like beating your head against the wall; it feels good when you stop. You can’t heal from a divorce until you have accepted that it will happen. You’re in shock and feel like you are living a nightmare you can’t wake up from. Breathe. Don’t make any major decisions. Don’t agree to anything that you will regret later. Don’t say anything you will regret later.
You can’t make a marriage work no matter how much you want it if the other person has irreversibly called it quits. You can’t heal from a divorce until you have accepted that it is happening. If you are willing, you can get through this and come out better on the other side even if you don’t have a clue how to do it right now.
Call me. I can help.
Until next time,
Amy Barnes, MA MBA LMHC
I empower people to discover their gifts, talents and self worth.