Announcing Moving Through Divorce Workshops

Moving Through Divorce Workshops

Are you currently in the process of divorce or recently divorced? Whether or not you wanted the divorce, we want to support you in getting though this difficult time. Moving Through Divorce is designed to assist you in dealing with both your feelings around divorce and encourage you in doing what it takes to get through this difficult time.

Amy Barnes, LMHC, has led numerous divorce support groups, counseled thousands of people going through divorce, and written over 75 articles on divorce. She is delighted to be joined by co-therapist Sarah Nevin, MA, a recent graduate of Christian Theological Seminary’s Psychotherapy and Faith program and experience in leading groups.

If you have any questions about whether or not this class would be a good fit for you please call Amy Barnes, at 317-257-7544 or amy@lifeoptions.us or Sarah Nevin at 317.439.6854 or sarahnevin@mac.com. Our divorce website is http://beyonddivorce.us.

Two sessions will be offered this fall. Session one begins September 13, and session two begins October 25. Both sessions consist of 6 Tuesdays, from 7-8:30PM. Childcare available upon request. Registration required, fee: $75, includes materials. Class size limited. Pre-registration required. To register online go to http://www.stlukesumc.com, or contact DeAnna at morand@stlukesumc.com or call 846-3404.

Telling Your Divorce Story

by Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.

When you talk about your divorce what do you say? How we tell the stories of our divorce and other significant events in our lives can either help us move on or keep us stuck. Whatever the reason for your divorce, whether or not you wanted the divorce, you may feel shock, hurt, anger, sadness, overwhelmed or even relieved.

You may want to share the story of your divorce – your side and what your spouse did wrong and/or continues to do wrong to anyone who will listen. After all you have been wronged, you have been hurt and you have a right to tell your story.

Before telling your story one more time, you might with to consider the following:

Is the person you are telling your story to someone you trust, a close friend or a counselor?

Telling your story to anyone who will listen may cause problems you do not want to deal with. You may become the object of gossip, people might avoid you or feel forced to take sides. Once you have shared information you may find friends or family members or your workplace knows more about you than you want them to know. Once you have said it you cannot take it back. If you don’t say it you can not regret saying it later. Just because people are curious and ask you question you do not need to answer.

Is telling my story hurting someone else?

Will telling my story hurt others including other family members or my children? Your children are 50% you and 50% your ex. If you tell negative stories about your child’s other parent you are in a sense telling negative stories about your child. The child then feels devalued. The best gift you can give your children is allowing them to love both parents. Telling your stories to family members or friends may cause them to take sides in a way that is harmful to you or your children.

Is telling my story repeatedly harmful to me?

When I retell a story of how I have been wronged or harmed, feel the same feelings – anger, hurt, sadness as when the original event happened. In a way it is like reopening a wound each time I tell the story. Retelling a story is great if I feel happy each time I retell the story of something that made me happy such as a wonderful vacation of hiking with my kids in Maine, but not so great if the story brings me down each time I tell it.

You may need to tell your story and feel all the feelings a number of times before you are ready to move on. Yet there will come a time will telling your story and bringing up those feelings again and again will no longer be useful to you and you might be served better by focusing on moving on.

Tell your story to safe people.
Don’t share your story when it is not appropriate or harmful.
Consider when it is no longer useful to tell your story.

Let me here from you. How has telling your story helped or harmed you?

Until Next Time,

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Conflict with Your Ex?

By Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.

Nothing can be more infuriating than dealing with an ex who just won’t cooperate, but then that may be why you got a divorce anyway. All too often we want the other person to change: to see our point of view. We believe we are the one who is right. So does the other person. This causes conflict.

You may feel like you need “to walk on eggshells” to not upset your ex. Giving in and not taking a stand when necessary only perpetuates the problem and makes it worse. Then you really are letting your ex control what you do. We each have the ability to move on and to reduce the level of conflict in our lives. Most importantly we have the ability to heal ourselves. Our healing is not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. Taking responsibility for your own life is empowering. This may also feel overwhelming and scary. We may continue blaming others for our current plight in life to avoid accepting responsibility for our own actions or just because we do not know how to approach life differently.

Asking for help when you need it is a healthy behavior. As a relationship counselor and coach many individuals come to see me about conflict with their ex. I assist people to let go of the conflict, to move on and thrive after their divorce, whether or not they wanted the divorce. Learning how to deal with your ex without the drama is an important part of your healing of allowing you to let go. As long as you are still in conflict with your ex your are still in relationship with him or her.

Learning to trust yourself, to trust your gut, to make healthy decisions regarding your life allow you to feel empowered and good about yourself. You can choose to regain control of your life and eliminate the conflict and the drama. Let me know if I can help.
Copyright 2011

Until Next Time

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Healing From Divorce

By Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC

Why is healing from a divorce necessary?  Divorce can leave you feeling devastated in a way that many of your single and married friends do not understand no matter how hard they try.  Being divorced is like a death.  Like a death, a divorce needs time to be grieved. You need not only time but also must be willing to do the work of healing. Time alone does not heal.   Until you have completed the healing process, you may be incredibly vulnerable and easily hurt again or you may have hardened your heart so much that you are unwilling to let anyone in. 

Neither place is healthy emotionally. I am certain you have each met someone who is bitter over a divorce that happened many years ago.  This does not have to be you.  You can heal and life can be good! 
The healing process is different for each person but generally includes the five steps listed below:   

1.  First is denial.  This is really not happening to me.  You may wish to think everything will be fine – nothing has changed.  Accepting that the marriage is really over may feel devastating.

2.   Dealing with the emotional pain.  Not just denying it. You may feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster.  Feelings may include sadness, anger, fear, loneliness plus dozens of other feelings.  You may feel like your heart is breaking.  It may even be hard to get to work or to take care of daily tasks.  Unfortunately this is usually also the time that all the legal work and finances and child custody issues need to be taken care of.

3.  Discovering who you are all over again.  As a single person you are not the same person you were when you entered this relationship.  What do you like to do now? What do you like about yourself?  You may even need to rediscover simple things like what type of food you really like to eat or rediscovering hobbies or trying new activities. What do you like to do now?

4.  Understanding your part in why the marriage did not work.  At this time, this may not seem necessary or possible to you.  This is not about blaming yourself or your spouse but about learning and growing as a person and improving your chances for a better relationship.  You may wish to restore relationships with your family and children if necessary. To make peace with the past and forgive yourself and others. Forgiving does not mean forgetting or allowing yourself to get hurt all over again.  Forgiving is for YOUR benefit. 

5.  Moving on!!! Finally after you have dealt with the past and the pain and understood your part in what happened and know who you are and what you want to do in life and you’ve actually started to feel good about yourself  (Yes, this can actually happen!)  It’s time to move on.  It’s time to put the past behind you and move forward to look ahead to the life that awaits you. 

Many people would like to move straight from step 1 denial to step 5 putting the past behind. Failure to complete the healing process could be why the divorce rate for second marriages is estimated at 60% or higher than the divorce rate for first marriages. 

As a divorce counselor and coach, I have led many divorce recovery programs.  I also work with many individuals who are in the process of healing from a divorce.  We heal best with the support of others.  The healthier you are and the more you know about yourself the more likely your next relationship is to succeed or you may find that do not wish to be in a relationship and that is ok also!  Being divorced does not have to ruin the rest of your life.  If necessary seek help and be willing to do the work of healing.  What you do with the rest of your life is up to you. 
Copyright 2011

Until Next Time,
Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.