Tag Archives: Letting Go

The Power of Forgiveness

By Amy Barnes
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.

Forgiveness is a selfish act. I forgive for me. When I forgive my ex I let go of any power my ex has over me. I wish him or her well and I go on with my life and my ex goes on with his or her life. No longer am I entwined in their life. No longer can I blame them for what happens to me now and in the future. I become free and empowered to live my own life.

Forgiveness does not absolve my ex of me responsibility for what happened. If I make a mess I am still responsible for any consequences and any mess resulting from my actions. Forgiveness does not mean taking away the consequences.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. You hurt me and I may forgive you, but I am going to get out of your way so that you cannot hurt me again. I want to protect myself and my loved ones. I won’t forget what happened.

Forgiveness is letting go of the right to revenge. When I forgive I no longer spend my energy plotting against my ex. I realize they are human and I let go. I am free to move on and so are they after they have dealt with the consequences of their actions.

Forgiveness heals me. Energetically when I let go of the hurt, I feel better. The stress and adrenaline are no longer running rampant through my body. I allow my heart, my head, my body and my spirit to heal.

Forgiveness may or may not be a spiritual or religious action. Many of the world religions have a component of forgiveness. For most of us true forgiveness is hard and something we may need to do over and over again.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Whether or not I forgive my ex has nothing to do with whether or not I allow my ex back into my life. I may forgive my ex but have no desire to ever see or talk with her or him again. Remember that part about forgiveness is not forgetting.

Forgiveness empowers me. No longer am I allowing my ex or anyone else to control my life. I am in control of me and I am empowered to live my own life.

Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and to move forward in our lives. As a relationship counselor and coach I work with clients on forgiveness and moving on with their lives. Call me if I can help.

Until next time,

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

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Conflict with Your Ex?

By Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.

Nothing can be more infuriating than dealing with an ex who just won’t cooperate, but then that may be why you got a divorce anyway. All too often we want the other person to change: to see our point of view. We believe we are the one who is right. So does the other person. This causes conflict.

You may feel like you need “to walk on eggshells” to not upset your ex. Giving in and not taking a stand when necessary only perpetuates the problem and makes it worse. Then you really are letting your ex control what you do. We each have the ability to move on and to reduce the level of conflict in our lives. Most importantly we have the ability to heal ourselves. Our healing is not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. Taking responsibility for your own life is empowering. This may also feel overwhelming and scary. We may continue blaming others for our current plight in life to avoid accepting responsibility for our own actions or just because we do not know how to approach life differently.

Asking for help when you need it is a healthy behavior. As a relationship counselor and coach many individuals come to see me about conflict with their ex. I assist people to let go of the conflict, to move on and thrive after their divorce, whether or not they wanted the divorce. Learning how to deal with your ex without the drama is an important part of your healing of allowing you to let go. As long as you are still in conflict with your ex your are still in relationship with him or her.

Learning to trust yourself, to trust your gut, to make healthy decisions regarding your life allow you to feel empowered and good about yourself. You can choose to regain control of your life and eliminate the conflict and the drama. Let me know if I can help.
Copyright 2011

Until Next Time

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Does Your Life Seem Out of Control?

Does Your Life Seem Out of Control?
By Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.

The alarm rings. Everyday seems the same. You hit snooze. Why bother? What’s the purpose? It’s hard to focus. Life lacks a sense of purpose, a sense of direction. You go about your days with a kind of numbness. Your whole world has changed and everything seems out of your control. You either keep constantly busy or you do nothing or find yourself fluctuating between these two extremes. Life holds little meaning and there may seem no way out. If you have felt this way before and do so no longer: Congratulations! If you have never felt like this before I hope you never will. Perhaps you have a friend who feels like this. For those of you who feel stuck in this place, I wish to offer hope that life does not have to continue to feel like this.

Have you recently experienced the break up of a marriage or a serious relationship, the death of a loved one, or loss of a job? Each can leave you feeling out of control and not in charge of your life. You may feel numb, or angry or sad or scared or even relieved; or a combination of all these feelings at the same time. You may not feel valued, heard or respected. How do you treat yourself? You are worthy of respect, of being heard, of being valued and yes, of being loved. You may have had a recent situation that has temporarily left you feeling discouraged or you may feel deep down that you are not worthy of love or respect by others or by yourself. As a relationship and divorce counselor and therapist I often see individuals who don’t feel good about themselves. My job as a therapist is to create a safe place for these individuals to be heard and to feel valued and respected. I enjoy helping people feel empowered and in control of their lives.

Letting go and moving on is rough but quite possible. Allowing yourself to feel and deal with those unpleasant feelings is a necessary part of healing. Perhaps the hardest part of healing is to treat yourself as you wish others to treat you – to love yourself. Would you treat yourself differently if you really cared about and loved yourself? Would you take better care of your body, your mind, and your spiritual life? Each day allow yourself to play, to laugh and to be with friends. Each day becomes a balance of both taking care of yourself and being there for others. Have you ever tried to pour lemonade out of an empty pitcher? Just like the empty pitcher, if you do not fill yourself by taking care of you; you have nothing to give others.

You don’t need to stay stuck in this place. Talk with friends, get some help, call a counselor who specializes in relationship and divorce issues. You are worth it! You are worthy of being loved, of having a wonderful life. Life can be better.
Copyright 2011

Until next time,

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Letting Go

By Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.

Do you remember going to the circus? I was always fascinated by the flying trapeze. I loved watching the performers swinging to and fro, so high in the air. Then effortlessly, or so it seemed, the performer leaped, almost flying from one trapeze to the next. As far as I was concerned a big leap of faith was needed to “let go.” For a brief moment the performer seemed suspended in the air neither connected to the old trapeze nor having caught the next one. The performer had to completely let go of one trapeze before grabbing the next. Likewise we need to completely let go of the past before we can move on and grab the new yet unknown and unfamiliar adventures that await us in the present and the future.

Letting go of our past is much like moving from one trapeze to the next. It is an act of faith to let go without knowing what lies ahead. Breaking up is hard. Letting go is harder. If you are still talking or thinking about your ex frequently, you have not let go. No matter how long ago the relationship ended!!! Have you ever met someone who is still bitter and angry over a past hurt in life some 10, 20, 30 or even more years later. Your life does not need to be like that.

Grieving past relationships and past hurts is necessary before the letting go can be completed. Grieving requires dealing with the hurt and the pain and a wide variety of emotions. People often move on to soon, staying in denial, not wanting to deal with the pain. You need to face the painful feelings before you can move on. The only person you hurt by not moving on is yourself. If you try to let go too soon, you stop the healing necessary to successfully move on. Also, you will most likely find yourself repeating past mistakes and dealing with similar relationship problems in the future.

So how do you know when to let go. Have you completed the grieving process or are you just in denial? To let go of the past is to accept complete responsibility for your part in what happened to bring your relationship to the point of the break up. In no case is it all someone else’s fault. Letting go requires forgiving yourself and forgiving the other person. Not for their sake but for yours.

Being stuck in this place is unfortunately fairly common. Do you really want to go out on a date with someone who spends half the evening complaining about their ex? If you feel you are stuck or not where you would like to be or if you would like support in moving through the phases of divorce or the breakup of a long term relationship, I can help as a relationship counselor specializing in divorce.

Letting go allows you to see life more clearly and more realistically. Most importantly letting go allows you to move on with your life and to be able to look forward to the future. Who knows? You might even find yourself smiling!

Until next time,

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC