By Amy Barnes
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.
Forgiveness is a selfish act. I forgive for me. When I forgive my ex I let go of any power my ex has over me. I wish him or her well and I go on with my life and my ex goes on with his or her life. No longer am I entwined in their life. No longer can I blame them for what happens to me now and in the future. I become free and empowered to live my own life.
Forgiveness does not absolve my ex of me responsibility for what happened. If I make a mess I am still responsible for any consequences and any mess resulting from my actions. Forgiveness does not mean taking away the consequences.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. You hurt me and I may forgive you, but I am going to get out of your way so that you cannot hurt me again. I want to protect myself and my loved ones. I won’t forget what happened.
Forgiveness is letting go of the right to revenge. When I forgive I no longer spend my energy plotting against my ex. I realize they are human and I let go. I am free to move on and so are they after they have dealt with the consequences of their actions.
Forgiveness heals me. Energetically when I let go of the hurt, I feel better. The stress and adrenaline are no longer running rampant through my body. I allow my heart, my head, my body and my spirit to heal.
Forgiveness may or may not be a spiritual or religious action. Many of the world religions have a component of forgiveness. For most of us true forgiveness is hard and something we may need to do over and over again.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Whether or not I forgive my ex has nothing to do with whether or not I allow my ex back into my life. I may forgive my ex but have no desire to ever see or talk with her or him again. Remember that part about forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness empowers me. No longer am I allowing my ex or anyone else to control my life. I am in control of me and I am empowered to live my own life.
Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and to move forward in our lives. As a relationship counselor and coach I work with clients on forgiveness and moving on with their lives. Call me if I can help.
Until next time,
Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC