School’s a month away. The novelty of summer has worn away and the heat is playing with everyone’s peace of mind. Your children’s discontent can seem multiplied by a million when you are going through a divorce. You may already feel a bit fried around the edges with both your patience and your temper running short. Your tendency might be to take it out on whoever is nearby which my likely be your kids or your soon to be ex.
Don’t! What is most damaging to kids going through a divorce (and all kids for that matter) is their parents fighting and anger.
Handling you own frustration and anger is vital in creating a safe home atmosphere for you and the kids. Kids learn how to handle their frustration and anger by your example. Play with the kids but also take care of you. Balance times of being together and being apart. Everyone could benefit from some quiet time during the hottest parts of the day. Bring out the sprinkler, a cold watermelon, play outside and go to the pool early in the day or late in the evening. Drink tons of water – sugary drinks and soft drinks don’t hydrate the body as well. In the middle of the day go to the library, watch a movie or just stay inside.
Make a list of summer activities various members of the family enjoy – ask the kids for suggestions. Also explain that because of cost or time not every thing on the list is going to happen. Choose what best fits your family. Don’t make promises you can’t deliver. Make certain to include free or low cost items so the kid’s don’t think you always have to spend money to have a good time.
I empower parents to handle their anger and frustration in healthy ways.
Give me a call.
Until next time,
Amy Barnes MA MBA LMHC
By Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.
Nothing can be more infuriating than dealing with an ex who just won’t cooperate, but then that may be why you got a divorce anyway. All too often we want the other person to change: to see our point of view. We believe we are the one who is right. So does the other person. This causes conflict.
You may feel like you need “to walk on eggshells” to not upset your ex. Giving in and not taking a stand when necessary only perpetuates the problem and makes it worse. Then you really are letting your ex control what you do. We each have the ability to move on and to reduce the level of conflict in our lives. Most importantly we have the ability to heal ourselves. Our healing is not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. Taking responsibility for your own life is empowering. This may also feel overwhelming and scary. We may continue blaming others for our current plight in life to avoid accepting responsibility for our own actions or just because we do not know how to approach life differently.
Asking for help when you need it is a healthy behavior. As a relationship counselor and coach many individuals come to see me about conflict with their ex. I assist people to let go of the conflict, to move on and thrive after their divorce, whether or not they wanted the divorce. Learning how to deal with your ex without the drama is an important part of your healing of allowing you to let go. As long as you are still in conflict with your ex your are still in relationship with him or her.
Learning to trust yourself, to trust your gut, to make healthy decisions regarding your life allow you to feel empowered and good about yourself. You can choose to regain control of your life and eliminate the conflict and the drama. Let me know if I can help.
Until Next Time
Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC
Posted in Amy Barnes, Divorce, Divorce Counseling, Divorce Counseling Indianapolis, healing from divorce, Uncategorized
Tagged Conflict with ex, Divorce, empower, Feeling out of control, Letting Go, Moving On after divorce
Does Your Life Seem Out of Control?
By Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.
The alarm rings. Everyday seems the same. You hit snooze. Why bother? What’s the purpose? It’s hard to focus. Life lacks a sense of purpose, a sense of direction. You go about your days with a kind of numbness. Your whole world has changed and everything seems out of your control. You either keep constantly busy or you do nothing or find yourself fluctuating between these two extremes. Life holds little meaning and there may seem no way out. If you have felt this way before and do so no longer: Congratulations! If you have never felt like this before I hope you never will. Perhaps you have a friend who feels like this. For those of you who feel stuck in this place, I wish to offer hope that life does not have to continue to feel like this.
Have you recently experienced the break up of a marriage or a serious relationship, the death of a loved one, or loss of a job? Each can leave you feeling out of control and not in charge of your life. You may feel numb, or angry or sad or scared or even relieved; or a combination of all these feelings at the same time. You may not feel valued, heard or respected. How do you treat yourself? You are worthy of respect, of being heard, of being valued and yes, of being loved. You may have had a recent situation that has temporarily left you feeling discouraged or you may feel deep down that you are not worthy of love or respect by others or by yourself. As a relationship and divorce counselor and therapist I often see individuals who don’t feel good about themselves. My job as a therapist is to create a safe place for these individuals to be heard and to feel valued and respected. I enjoy helping people feel empowered and in control of their lives.
Letting go and moving on is rough but quite possible. Allowing yourself to feel and deal with those unpleasant feelings is a necessary part of healing. Perhaps the hardest part of healing is to treat yourself as you wish others to treat you – to love yourself. Would you treat yourself differently if you really cared about and loved yourself? Would you take better care of your body, your mind, and your spiritual life? Each day allow yourself to play, to laugh and to be with friends. Each day becomes a balance of both taking care of yourself and being there for others. Have you ever tried to pour lemonade out of an empty pitcher? Just like the empty pitcher, if you do not fill yourself by taking care of you; you have nothing to give others.
You don’t need to stay stuck in this place. Talk with friends, get some help, call a counselor who specializes in relationship and divorce issues. You are worth it! You are worthy of being loved, of having a wonderful life. Life can be better.
Until next time,
Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC