by Amy Barnes
To divorce or separate may or may not have been your choice. I do believe we each have before us a much bigger, even more important choice. How do I choose to live my life now? Do I choose to live my life as a victim or as a creator? A victim is at the effect of what happens. A creator looks at what has happened and make decisions on what to do and what can happen now.
Who is in charge of my life now? After my divorce I gave up my power. I had given up my power many years before. I can’t blame that on my ex. I thought that was something women were supposed to do. I didn’t understand that I had a choice. You can’t make a choice if you do not know you have one.
The most powerful lesson I have learned is that we always have a choice. As a creator I can make choices about what will happen. Sometimes we can’t see it. Sometimes we don’t even know that a choice exists. I believe we have all the answers inside us but like buried treasure sometimes the answers get lost and we need support in finding them. As a coach I can support you in finding your voice and finding those answers deep within you.
The most important thing I found was my voice. I leaned who I was and what I wanted. I learned how to speak up for myself. I am responsible for my life. It is up to me to decide what and who I want in my life. I have the power to make things happen.
I have a choice. For years after my divorce I stayed a victim. Now I know I have a choice. I choose to be a creator and not a victim. I want to also support you in feeling empowered to have a choice. I support you in having a choice and creating what is best for your life.
Yes, you always have a choice.
Until next time,
Amy Barnes, MA MBA LMHC
Certified Relationship and Body Centered Coach
By Amy Barnes
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.
Forgiveness is a selfish act. I forgive for me. When I forgive my ex I let go of any power my ex has over me. I wish him or her well and I go on with my life and my ex goes on with his or her life. No longer am I entwined in their life. No longer can I blame them for what happens to me now and in the future. I become free and empowered to live my own life.
Forgiveness does not absolve my ex of me responsibility for what happened. If I make a mess I am still responsible for any consequences and any mess resulting from my actions. Forgiveness does not mean taking away the consequences.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. You hurt me and I may forgive you, but I am going to get out of your way so that you cannot hurt me again. I want to protect myself and my loved ones. I won’t forget what happened.
Forgiveness is letting go of the right to revenge. When I forgive I no longer spend my energy plotting against my ex. I realize they are human and I let go. I am free to move on and so are they after they have dealt with the consequences of their actions.
Forgiveness heals me. Energetically when I let go of the hurt, I feel better. The stress and adrenaline are no longer running rampant through my body. I allow my heart, my head, my body and my spirit to heal.
Forgiveness may or may not be a spiritual or religious action. Many of the world religions have a component of forgiveness. For most of us true forgiveness is hard and something we may need to do over and over again.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Whether or not I forgive my ex has nothing to do with whether or not I allow my ex back into my life. I may forgive my ex but have no desire to ever see or talk with her or him again. Remember that part about forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness empowers me. No longer am I allowing my ex or anyone else to control my life. I am in control of me and I am empowered to live my own life.
Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and to move forward in our lives. As a relationship counselor and coach I work with clients on forgiveness and moving on with their lives. Call me if I can help.
Until next time,
Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC
By Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.
Nothing can be more infuriating than dealing with an ex who just won’t cooperate, but then that may be why you got a divorce anyway. All too often we want the other person to change: to see our point of view. We believe we are the one who is right. So does the other person. This causes conflict.
You may feel like you need “to walk on eggshells” to not upset your ex. Giving in and not taking a stand when necessary only perpetuates the problem and makes it worse. Then you really are letting your ex control what you do. We each have the ability to move on and to reduce the level of conflict in our lives. Most importantly we have the ability to heal ourselves. Our healing is not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. Taking responsibility for your own life is empowering. This may also feel overwhelming and scary. We may continue blaming others for our current plight in life to avoid accepting responsibility for our own actions or just because we do not know how to approach life differently.
Asking for help when you need it is a healthy behavior. As a relationship counselor and coach many individuals come to see me about conflict with their ex. I assist people to let go of the conflict, to move on and thrive after their divorce, whether or not they wanted the divorce. Learning how to deal with your ex without the drama is an important part of your healing of allowing you to let go. As long as you are still in conflict with your ex your are still in relationship with him or her.
Learning to trust yourself, to trust your gut, to make healthy decisions regarding your life allow you to feel empowered and good about yourself. You can choose to regain control of your life and eliminate the conflict and the drama. Let me know if I can help.
Until Next Time
Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC
Posted in Amy Barnes, Divorce, Divorce Counseling, Divorce Counseling Indianapolis, healing from divorce, Uncategorized
Tagged Conflict with ex, Divorce, empower, Feeling out of control, Letting Go, Moving On after divorce