Tag Archives: Conflict with ex

Co Parenting is for Life

Co Parenting is for Life
By Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

One of the first books I ever read on divorce was The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart, by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. Her book emphasized that divorce does not have to have long term negative consequences for the children. Getting divorced does not mean abandoning the children. Healthy divorced parents continue to successfully co parent their children.

Children caught in the middles of a divorce often suffer many consequences including more depression and more acting out. The parents ability to effectively parent their children both as single parents and as co parents is the single most important factor in how well adjusted and happy children are even many years after the divorce.

I’ve thought that all sex and all birth control devices, pills, condoms etc. should come with a warning label: Pregnancy possible. Only have sex with someone you would be willing to co parent with the rest of your life. The only sure fire way to not get pregnant is still to abstain. I’ve met with too many women over the years that got pregnant the first time they ever had sex or were just having a fling or not in a serious relationship only to have this surprise that has tied them to last night’s partner for the rest of their lives.

Bringing children into the world is not something I would take lightly. Having children to fix a troubled marriage or relationship almost always backfires. Marital satisfaction generally drops greatly (I have read estimates as high as 60 to 80% from John Gottman’s studies) after the birth of the first child. Fix your relationship first or find one that works much better and then think about having children.

If you are in the process of divorce, be careful what you fight over, no matter how angry or upset you are at your spouse, is it worth upsetting, abandoning and ruining your kids lives?

If you have a good co parenting relationship, let me know what make it work. If you do not, call me.

Until next time,

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Conflict with Your Ex?

By Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.

Nothing can be more infuriating than dealing with an ex who just won’t cooperate, but then that may be why you got a divorce anyway. All too often we want the other person to change: to see our point of view. We believe we are the one who is right. So does the other person. This causes conflict.

You may feel like you need “to walk on eggshells” to not upset your ex. Giving in and not taking a stand when necessary only perpetuates the problem and makes it worse. Then you really are letting your ex control what you do. We each have the ability to move on and to reduce the level of conflict in our lives. Most importantly we have the ability to heal ourselves. Our healing is not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. Taking responsibility for your own life is empowering. This may also feel overwhelming and scary. We may continue blaming others for our current plight in life to avoid accepting responsibility for our own actions or just because we do not know how to approach life differently.

Asking for help when you need it is a healthy behavior. As a relationship counselor and coach many individuals come to see me about conflict with their ex. I assist people to let go of the conflict, to move on and thrive after their divorce, whether or not they wanted the divorce. Learning how to deal with your ex without the drama is an important part of your healing of allowing you to let go. As long as you are still in conflict with your ex your are still in relationship with him or her.

Learning to trust yourself, to trust your gut, to make healthy decisions regarding your life allow you to feel empowered and good about yourself. You can choose to regain control of your life and eliminate the conflict and the drama. Let me know if I can help.
Copyright 2011

Until Next Time

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC