Tag Archives: Acceptance

Loss of a Dream

In my own divorce and working with hundreds of individuals and couples one of the hardest parts of divorce is the loss of a dream, of having someone to grow old with or walking your daughter down the aisle together or even the hope or having children. (For some there is a relief that they did not have children with their ex.)

In my own relationship we had tried counseling on and off together for about six years. Neither of us we were happy. I even initially went back to get a masters degree in marriage and family therapy to save my own marriage. It did not work. At that point in my life I did not believe in divorce. I was angry and unhappy all the time which spilled over into my ability to parent and into all my other relationships moreover how I felt about myself. Yet I took years to heal from my divorce. I refused to accept it. My inability to accept the divorce only caused me further pain. I put my life on hold and stayed the victim in my own pity party place way too long.

I also did not allow myself to see the parts of the divorce that were my fault. I blamed him for everything which was not fair to either of us. Yet I also blamed myself and saw myself as a failure for mot being able to make the relationship work. the worst of both world. Ultimately my healing from the divorce involved my accepting the end of the divorce. acknowledging my part in why the marriage did not work, unentangling myself emotionally from my ex, forgiving him and wishing him well, and most importantly my own personal growth.

All these realizations and healings have come in stops and starts. Like taking one step forward and three backward and a few sideways and then a few giant steps forward.

What your divorce looks like, how you go about your healing and I hope ultimately thriving after your divorce will be different from what I did and from what others maybe even your best friend has found helpful. I hope from my personal experience and having coached thousands of men and women and hundreds of people though individual coaching and divorce recovery groups that I can support you in this process of moving through and thriving beyond your divorce.

Step 1. Accept that the divorce is real. you cannot even begin to move on or to take the practical steps you need to take until you acknowledge the reality. When working with clients. I have found that awareness no matter how painful, not hiding your head in the sand is necessary.

Acceptance is the opposite of denial, and with acceptance comes the possibility of hope. Even if you cannot now see it. Yes there is light at the end of the tunnel.

If I can support you in thriving after a divorce or break-up, give me a call.

Amy Barnes

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Shock Versus Acceptance

Divorce. I’m divorcing you. You’re divorcing me. The words can sting. Bite. They can leave you paralyzed or relieved or with about a million other feelings. Denial. Shock. Anger. Sadness. Even Relief. How can this be happening to me? This state of shock can last from day and weeks to months and years. This also is a time when you will need to make lots of decisions. Yet, for most of us it’s a time when our brains just don’t want to function.

First I suggest making sure your marriage really is over – can you both agree to work on your marriage. Would it be valuable for you each to work on yourselves? Often we blame our marriage when it is actually ourselves we are not happy with. Are you both willing to take a specific amount of time for marriage counseling and to work on your marriage; for example three or six months with both of you giving 100% to the marriage, before calling it quits for good. Then neither of you will have regrets and if doesn’t work you will both know you tried everything. I highly recommend this since only 20% of people are significantly happier five years after their divorce. Don’t threaten divorce unless you mean it. As a marriage coach I inspire couples to have wonderful marriages but this only works if that is what both people truly want.

My spouse wants the divorce and I don’t. The marriage is over. If one spouse is completely out of the marriage there is nothing you can do to make it work. It’s like beating your head against the wall; it feels good when you stop. You can’t heal from a divorce until you have accepted that it will happen. You’re in shock and feel like you are living a nightmare you can’t wake up from. Breathe. Don’t make any major decisions. Don’t agree to anything that you will regret later. Don’t say anything you will regret later.

You can’t make a marriage work no matter how much you want it if the other person has irreversibly called it quits. You can’t heal from a divorce until you have accepted that it is happening. If you are willing, you can get through this and come out better on the other side even if you don’t have a clue how to do it right now.

Call me. I can help.

Until next time,

Amy Barnes, MA MBA LMHC
I empower people to discover their gifts, talents and self worth.