by Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals in transforming pain into joy after divorce.
When you talk about your divorce what do you say? How we tell the stories of our divorce and other significant events in our lives can either help us move on or keep us stuck. Whatever the reason for your divorce, whether or not you wanted the divorce, you may feel shock, hurt, anger, sadness, overwhelmed or even relieved.
You may want to share the story of your divorce – your side and what your spouse did wrong and/or continues to do wrong to anyone who will listen. After all you have been wronged, you have been hurt and you have a right to tell your story.
Before telling your story one more time, you might with to consider the following:
Is the person you are telling your story to someone you trust, a close friend or a counselor?
Telling your story to anyone who will listen may cause problems you do not want to deal with. You may become the object of gossip, people might avoid you or feel forced to take sides. Once you have shared information you may find friends or family members or your workplace knows more about you than you want them to know. Once you have said it you cannot take it back. If you don’t say it you can not regret saying it later. Just because people are curious and ask you question you do not need to answer.
Is telling my story hurting someone else?
Will telling my story hurt others including other family members or my children? Your children are 50% you and 50% your ex. If you tell negative stories about your child’s other parent you are in a sense telling negative stories about your child. The child then feels devalued. The best gift you can give your children is allowing them to love both parents. Telling your stories to family members or friends may cause them to take sides in a way that is harmful to you or your children.
Is telling my story repeatedly harmful to me?
When I retell a story of how I have been wronged or harmed, feel the same feelings – anger, hurt, sadness as when the original event happened. In a way it is like reopening a wound each time I tell the story. Retelling a story is great if I feel happy each time I retell the story of something that made me happy such as a wonderful vacation of hiking with my kids in Maine, but not so great if the story brings me down each time I tell it.
You may need to tell your story and feel all the feelings a number of times before you are ready to move on. Yet there will come a time will telling your story and bringing up those feelings again and again will no longer be useful to you and you might be served better by focusing on moving on.
Tell your story to safe people.
Don’t share your story when it is not appropriate or harmful.
Consider when it is no longer useful to tell your story.
Let me here from you. How has telling your story helped or harmed you?
Until Next Time,
Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC